In this blog post for Foster Care Fortnight, Ang talks about fostering children with her husband Steve for the past 15 years, and describes what’s she’s learned along the way and her passion for helping children to thrive.
One day my husband was getting the post at the front door and there was a leaflet and it said, ‘Could you be a foster carer?’. He said, “Hey, have you seen this?”. We went along to an open evening out of curiosity and we’ve never looked back.
We realised we have many of the skills needed to support children as foster carers. We went through all of the assessments, which are intrusive; they're meant to be because they are meant to identify if fostering is right for you.
When our first children came to live with us, we began learning from the very moment they walked through the door, and we quickly understood how much of their story couldn’t be captured in reports or handovers. It was clear how much the children had been through. You can't open a book and read up on that.
It was a case of take each moment as it comes. There were things that totally floored us, such as me suggesting they see their rooms and unpack, before I realised that there was nothing to unpack – they had come with no belongings.
Building belonging over time
The children were 10 and 11 and they're now 25 and 26 - still in our lives, still part of our family, and we are so proud of who they have become. My mother calls them her grandchildren and they're part of the wider family - they've got cousins, they've got aunties, they've got uncles. But equally, it's really, really important to understand that they've also got birth families and this needs to be respected.
Three years ago, we were matched with another young lad who came to us for a week. He was very quiet on the last night and when I asked him for a quick hug before he left, he whispered in my ear, “I wish I could stay with you forever.” Three months later, when social workers were looking for permanent foster carers for him, we were asked to think about it and without hesitation we agreed and have never looked back. The loveliest thing is that we were granted a Permanence Order, a legal order which ensures children who cannot live with their parents have a long-term home where they can be cared for. At his request he has changed his surname to ours. Another child had become part of our family tree.
Invest in yourself
Learning has been a huge part of the role: learning and understanding “what do we need to do to support this young person?”, “do we need to change our thinking?”, “do we need to go at it from a different angle?”. I volunteer for as much training run by our local council as I can and this, particularly trauma training, has helped us both to really understand the children and the young people we are blessed to care for. We now realise that at some point a child may (although this is not a given) get incredibly angry and they may direct that anger at us because they want us to feel just how painful it might be. But if you are equipped with the right skills, you can get to the other side, together. And we're so proud that the children and young people who we've cared for are still in our lives now, and will be forever.
The joy of fostering
Children and young people need to have joy in their lives, they need understanding, and they need to see that there is a really positive future ahead for them. And if me and my husband can play a part in that, then we feel honoured that we managed to do so.
Never stop listening and learning
If I can offer prospective foster carers advice it would be to remember that, whilst you may be joyous and full of expectation on how absolutely wonderful fostering can be, the children might see it very differently. So go in carefully. Listen, listen, listen to the children and young people, and listen hard, because sometimes what they want and what they're trying to say can be two very different things. You've got to look for the signs, look for the signals.
The most important thing is to be calm. Children need to quickly understand that you are the person who is safe because they may not have had that before. You are the person who is consistent for them.
It also helps to go into fostering without expecting thanks – many children aren’t in a place where they can give that, and that’s okay. They might resent you and you can't take offence: you will never fully understand the trauma some children go through. Be prepared to learn - you haven't got all the answers. Provide a safe environment to allow things to unfold, and then you work with them. With the rise in concern around the impact of the internet, AI and social media in the last few years, there is even more of a need to have honest and open conversations.
Learn, listen, and have your eyes wide open, and....be patient. If you manage all of this, then the children in your care will thrive, and there is nothing that will make you prouder.
The views expressed in this blog post are those of the author/s and may not represent the views or opinions of CELCIS or our funders.
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